Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Tractatus Logico-Sezuanrestaurantificus


The Sezuan Chilli is everything that is the case. *

What is the case, the fact, is the existence of Sezuan chillis, within the dish.

The logical conclusion is the numbing of thought and sensation.

The lack of sensation is the significant taste-function.

Taste-functions are truth-functions of elementary culinary propositions.

(An elementary culinary proposition is a truth-function of itself.)
The general form of truth/taste-function is:[, ,N()]

This is the general form of culinary proposition.
Whereof one cannot countenance tasting, thereof one must be silent.


Friday, 14 October 2011

Making you jealous....


11.45 on the terrace of the Breton, Will, my new friend from Goldmans is pulling hard on his cigarette, I’ve still got a residual work related security worry about smoking in the market, but he bats it away. There’s a half bottle of Ducru Beaucaillou 04 on the table between us and tannin smudged glasses in our hands.

6.15 in the bar, I’m looking at a veritable forest of bottles all of which need opening, tasting and for about half, double decanting. All of this would be less of an issue if I wasn’t so hot and sweaty from the dash across London. Lacking a corkscrew of my own I was struggling with the bars orphan, its spiral bent out of shape as if some cork had mortally offended it’s mother. Ten wines, five bottles of each wine, give or take a couple corked and three of the offerings coming in halves and all of a sudden you have a lot of corks to pull. Especially when you’re as out of form Sommelier wise as I was.
Suffice to say, a hectic half hour of fiddling with sticky foils and wine soaked corks later we were ready to welcome the guests.

We started with a large plate of Chaorce and Dom Perignon Rose 1996,.I’ve cast aspersions about the Dom Perignon brand before, but there’s no denying that especially at the upper ends of the brands spectrum, it does deliver. The rose was more a muted amber, with the bubbles taking a rather languid route up the glass, earthy toast and a meaty umami red berry edge rounded out a lengthy palette that seemed to smoulder with intent.

Next was the Loire with Pouligny St Pierre, le Pyramide offset by Didier Daguenau, Silex, Blanc fume de Pouilly 2007 / 2006, a matched pair of vintages that showed how different Didier’s Sauvignon expressions could be, the 06 tight and supremely mineral, an edge of cream like perspiration on slate merely glossing the pebbliness of the wines coiled core. The 07 much more obviously Sauvignon with a taut herbaciousness glaring out of the wine, rather like a prize undergraduate still prickly at the barely visible hint of his regional accent.

Michel Chapoutier, Ermitage de L’Oree 2004. Rousanne and Marsanne in what ought to be their apogee of expression, Chapoutier’s finest vineyard sites for whites and just enough age to let the wine start to open. Except this is Rousanne we’re talking about, and as such ageing doesn’t make sense, this dark moth of a grape, with it’s cocoon like period of oxidative metamorphosis, browning a little early, taking on those slighty madeirised nutty notes, all awry with the honeysuckle and quince notes of the wine, but oddly perfect with the mute creaminess of the Beaufort, the perennial bridesmaid of the alpine cheeses, and such a loyal friend to any caramel notes in a wine.

Epoisses, a cheese to reaffirm ones belief in life, so redolent of microbial decay, yet intensely appealing, somewhat hard to match, but in the absence of some aged tokajis we plumped for Domaine Leflaive, Puligny Montrachet 1er Cru Les Pucelles 2006.  A nice little chardonnay from a smallish family winery in Burgundy, ok maybe not. The most highly garlanded of Leflaives Puligny premiere crus, a vintage heralded for the clarity and freshness of its whites, this should have been a doozy, instead it didn’t really connect for me, maybe it was a little young, but then I’d have wanted more of an imperiously tight mineral insouciance, the kind of wine that chastises you for deigning to drink it before it’s ready. There were, hints of hazelnut, some touches of smoke and the umami complexity that one would expect, but frustratingly, at least for me, not quite enough fireworks.

Langres, the wrinkled annatto coloured cheese of the Champenois, so often served with Champagne poured into its indented top, I’ve never approved, it doesn’t help either the cheese or the Champagne, instead for their soft tanins and mature fruit we had Etienne Guigals, Cote Rotie, La Landonne/La mouline 1993. Two of Guigal’s Cote Rotie daughters, both just turned 18, and both, seemingly vying with each other for my favors. La Mouline all spiced earth and dusky charm, La Landonne more structured, with a tannic quiver still running along the palette and an almost coy refusal to completely meet the eye. Cote blonde and cote brunde indeed.

A slight confession here, at this point I’d stopped eating the cheeses and was merely enjoying the wines and chatting with the guests.

Chateau Lascomes, Margaux 2003. In the late 90’s early 00’s Chateau Lascombes was undergoing a wholesale change of identity, money poured in for the new winery, consultants were consulted, and the nice folk that worked at the top tonnelieres were spoken to (at length). 2003 was a very hot year, and as such the wines were less than typical, this along with the change in wine making attitude meant that the 03 Lascombes was, while a great wine, not really one that sang of its origin. Closing in on 8 years old, and out of half bottle, there was a softening of tannins, a degree of integration of the oak, and a sense that somewhere in the wine there was a Margaux trying to get out. Toasted oak aromas glowered and bullied the hints of violet and gravel all cowed and hidden, a wine that I found interesting more than enchanting.

Now Ducru Beaucaillou, Pauillac 2004. I used to open a lot of Bordeaux, it was the staple fine wine of my old restaurant, however, recently I’ve seen a lot less. The first sip of the Ducru was akin to that first drag after six months of abstinence. There was a thrill to the way the tannins caressed flesh of my cheeks, my tongue almost shivered from the charge of acidity, I almost had to close my eyes, this was Claret as I always dreamed it ought to be. Dark fruit notes, were intertwined with a savory complexity, there were inklings of licorice, spice, gravel and greatness, a easy confidence of Medoc perfection.

In 1944 Francis Bacon painted his figures at the base of a crucifix, the three furies contorted and writhing like so much sublimated war torn pain. The next summer the sunken cheeked women and occupation battered vignerons of Pauillac pulled them selves together to bring in the grapes from the Mouton Rothschild vineyards. Over the following 40 years Bacon would blaze a trail of greatness through Soho, pugilism in bedsits with warring lovers, dazzling paintings that blazed with malice and pain. Mouton would finally pull itself into the elite group of first growths and their achievements of 44/45 would grow in stature to take the position of legend. In 89 Bacon reprised the figures at the base of the crucifix, the back ground colours more vivid as reflecting his style at the time, and the Rothschilds would ask him to design the label for the 1990 Mouton Rothschild. 45 years on from the great 1945 wasn’t the best of the decades vintages, but it was still pretty damn good, at 21, ready to take the key to the house it played all undergrowth (what the French call sous bois) autumnal woodland, wet gravel and a sort of tweed like twill, both fine and glossy, yet at the same time textured and dignified.

Rieussec, 1ere Cru Classe Sauternes 2005. There are two ways that I like Sauternes, youthful when there is still the incandescence of fruit and vitality, the vanilla oak and cigar box spice still vital and powerful. Then, maybe ten, fifteen years later when there is a whiff of earth amongst the marmalade and caramel, as if there’s a cloud of fungal spores just lingering at the edge of the bouquet. The Riussec 05 was firmly in the former group, all stone fruits and tropical cocktails, pineapple and amber fire, yet cut through with just enough steeliness to suggest a wine that is going to quietly shed its youthful exuberance to become as scholarly as its terroir demands.

Finally the 1992 Taylor’s Port. Parker, famously gave this 100 points, at the time as much of a gold plated insignia of perfection as was possible. It still looks good, rich licorice and spice swaddled opulent dark cherry fruit all wrapped up in the faintly aristocratic swagger of the Douro baked and aguardiente fortified fruit. Also by this time it was a trifle late, and I was a little drunk.

Which leads neatly to what I was doing on the terrace with Will, another late night in London..

The words that maketh murder, or Pinot Grigio


There are probably no two words that divide wine drinkers as effectively as Pinot Grigio. To millions of wine drinkers it is a given that an evening out will revolve around a bottle or three of Pinot, the diners who on being seated at a restaurant table will order a glass without looking at the wine list, confident that it ought, nay must be on every wine list.

Then you have your better informed wine drinkers, some of whom will tell you, eye brow raised that there was a time when something like three times as much Pinot Grigio was exported from Italy than the plantings allowed. Obviously the source data from this anecdote has been long lost, if, indeed it was ever anything other than apocryphal.

Now, time for a confession; I’ve been guilty of the latter, I’ve also deliberately listed expensive Pinot Grigios at places I’ve worked to punish those awful drinkers who deigned not to have as much geeky interest as in wine as me.  I looked scornfully at people who admitted they liked the occasional bottle. I was obviously so superior that they deserved to be not only ignored, but a bit ripped off in the name of improving my GP.

I’m sorry.

I’ve since grown up, I no longer worry that people won’t know that I really care about what I drink (and what they drink), and I’ve learnt to be a bit more accepting, and a little less of a nob.

Pinot Grigio, Pinot Gris, Grauburgunder, Szurkebarat, many names fro the same thing. But to muddy the water, they also tend to refer to different styles of wine produced from the same grape varietal. Pinot Gris, the French term is more often than not a waxy, rich opulent sort of drink, redolent of pears, peach, maybe some floral notes, often creeping into quite high alcohol territory and definitely a flirt with late harvests. Pinot Grigio is more often a lighter type of wine, some might suggest neutral, and in many cases they’d not be wrong. I’m taking a middle ground here, and part of that is not ignoring the faults of the industrial style of Pinot Grigio. The brand will have a generic Italian name, the vineyard yield, how much wine you can make from each vine, will be stratospherically high and the wine will be about as memorable as a grey day in September.

At its best Italian Pinot Grigio is an intriguing sort of wine, and oddly one that is appreciated most by folk that really love their wine. It’s all delicate interplays of texture, silken mouth feel and subtle mineral and stone fruit accents. The cooler mountainous regions of Northern Italy are home to these wines, Friuli Venezia and it’s co-joined twin of Slovenian vineyards. The Alto Adige; where German speaking winemakers tend to immaculate vineyards beneath soaring peaks of granite and fir. The pale blue sky betraying the elevated altitude, these are spiritual homes of Pinot Grigio as a style. From the slightly austere yet mineral rich and precisely crafted wines of the Alto Adige to the smoother more accommodating Friulian versions they are all wines that deserve serious consideration, and yes, I do think they’re worth the extra money.

the dolomites looming over the alto adige

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Almost as good as me...


I’ve been accused before of bias, it’s not really anything I’m bothered about. However there are times when I feel like arguing, and when I do I really like to argue.
Screw caps.
Screw caps are pretty much accepted by the general wine going public, however there is still the occasional idiot that tries to tell me that wine won’t age under them.
I’m a 1981 vintage, I’m usually of the opinion that I’m the best thing to come out of what was a particularly miserable vintage year across Europe. I’d heard rumours that Penfolds made a reasonable Grange and that there was the odd bit of decent South Australian wine still extant, but I’d not really seen any.
Not until the Negotiant UK tasting. Robert Hill Smith, the patriarch of the Yalumba group had brought over some museum releases. Two old vintages of Pewsey Vale’s Eden Valley Riesling. A wine seemingly built for longevity, and a wine that almost miraculously was bottled under screwcap from 1971 until 1983 (when market pressure forced a swith back to cork).
1981 and 1986. The first, my vintage, and as long as I’ve been in the wine trade as rare as hens teeth to come across, the second one of the great South Australian vintages, Henschke’s Hill of Grace from that year is feted as one of the greats among greats.
The 1981 Pewsey Vale, under a pristine screw cap. Bright amber robe and a thrilling nose of lightly burn toast, marmalade, some hints of spearmint, touches of kerosene and fabulous complexity. A wine to think of on late night train journeys, a wine that, at least for a moment makes one think of a benevolent god.
The 1986 by comparison was half dead, salty madeirised caramel on the nose, the toast and marmalade that should have enlivened the nose all muted and covered with the indiscriminate smudge of slow oxidative death.

Seeing a wine that’s faded as badly as the 86 under cork alongside a wine 5 years older that looks ten years younder is a saddening thing. One that a better closure really ought to have avoided.

Chuffing the wank (not for all the coke in Columbia)

I don’t do Groupon, it’s not really a conscious thing, more that my first act upon waking, is to delete all emails that aren’t 100% necessary. Groupon, sadly, falls into said category.

Friends of mine are, thankfully, more discerning.

X had tweeted that she was considering buying a Groupon for the tasting menu at Les Trois Garcons. Motivated, by, a twitter related lack of inhibition combined with a mildly masochistic desire to see if all the reviews I’d read were true, I agreed to accompany.

As this was to be a Tuesday evening in the beating heart of Shoreditch we decided that dress was to be appropriate. A hipster summer dress with tied back hair and black framed glasses, brogues, tightish jeans, a cravat and a nice tweed jacket set the tone.

We were, for want of a better word, ready. Though, for what exactly, I was unsure.

Arriving early we ducked into Beach Blanket Babylon. At just past six in the evening it was quiet. Faintly threadbare rouge chaise longues, gold lame chandeliers, a menu that read like a priapagic fourteen year olds idea of sophistication, double entendres poking awkwardly out of the sheepishly crossed legged pages of the list.

We passed on the house cocktails.

Whisky sour was a trifle too sweet for my tastes, an Amaretto sour that X demolished as if it were soda.

Shush you, we’ve all done worse.

And so, on to les Trois Garcons. Kitsch doesn’t really work as a descriptor, better to imagine a glamorous old pub, all paneled walls, prominent marble bar, decorated mirrors and stately windows. Now imagine that this august building had been left in the hands of several wannabe television make over show hosts all of whom had been blessed with a limited budget and a tasteasectomy. Now we commence to close upon a suitable image.

We’re seated beneath a dusty glass aviary full of faded stuffed song birds, there are cream glass fig leaf fountain chandeliers, stuffed tigers, a boulevard of hanging handbags, all clutches, as if they were still grasping at any dignity they might have once had.

The pages of the wine list were dog eared and the prices leveraged, but this was the eastern edge of the city and a nod to hedging is de rigeur.

An overtly plated amuse bouche unexpectedly amused, then, as if on a roll the foie gras starter also failed to horrify. Our eyes met, we’d been hoping for the worst, steeling our critical edges, honing the cutting comments we’d been preparing to tweet.

This. Wasn’t. As. Bad. As. We. Thought. It. Was. Going. To. Be.

Smarmily I pointed out that I’d lunched at Pollen Street Social, where the taste was a measured as the seasoning. Perfectly judged. X, alluded to the fact that she’d actually made it to the gym in the last week and as such won that particular battle of the wits.

A fish course followed without incident, as did venison fillet, still redolent of the musk, sweat and earth that all good venison ought to be. Chocolate and cream fondant came dressed with a rough blackberry coulis, a jug of rich chocolate sauce stood sentinel in the middle of the table.

Obviously X broke first, pouring said sauce directly onto her spoon before shoveling it into an unashamedly open mouth. I raised an eyebrow.

We broke from our retro revelry to take numerous photos of ourselves on our mobiles, oblivious to how out of keeping with our evening this was. For it was only just dawning, quite where we had been going.

Straight back to 2005. When Shoreditch was located squarely in the Sunday supplements, Hackney was still rough, and Dalston was yet to be invented.

The décor was stylishly boho, velvet curtains still ruffled with intrigue, eyeliner was smudged, Kate Moss advertised some sort of toilet cleaner (Rimmel) and taxidermy meant you could read Charlie Brooker whilst snorting coke and not feel like a walking cliché.

Obviously not content with our Groupon time machine, we were glutton, we’d managed two venues that stank of the near past, visions of cargo pants still teetering on respectability were swimming across our eyes. There had to be more, this mid naugties speedball needed following, it was time to snuffle the wank well and truly.

Lounge lovers is just round the corner, all three venues are within an ironic piss of each other. A fake hippos head protrudes out of a mock Romanesque folly of a booth, there are mismatched chairs, and faux aristocratic sofas, all cocooned in a modern theatre like warehouse space, walls softened with the dirty red drapes, unwashed and looking as bored as the bar staff.

The back of the room, we sat and marveled at the goateed guy across from us he stared at the slim blonde eastern European girls tits, whilst she talked loudly about her alien abduction, her brunette friend stared elsewhere, anywhere but at her courting companions.

Two bitter tears later, that was our drinks, not our consciences, we were all naughtied out. Back to the Bishopsgate night air, tubes and trains returning us to the present day.

I shan’t pretend that I didn’t enjoy our evening of naughtie snuffling, I was imagining D list television presenters fumbling with page three girls in corners, I was living an evening that I’d only ever seen in the gossip pages. I was still moderately sober and I hadn’t mortgaged my house on the badly cut Columbian that would have made it all acceptable in its heyday.

Good times eh x.


Central London bar no.1

Tear drop urinal and piss flecked black mirrors,
Finger smudged glasses and cocktail bitters,
Atmosphere lighting, soft mood music,
Heavy twill carpet, shadowed bags beneath eyes
Taking exorbitant taxis to late night trains.